Okay, so it is now finally over! Thank God! We had an awesome week of vbs. We saw over 50 kids give their lives to Christ. Some kids were rejuvenated and testimonies were flooding in from kids and parents alike about how this was a great vbs. And it was.
Something happened last night that I needed to talk about though and I guess this is the journaling part of this blog for me. In the midst of our unity service and celebration of vbs, I was trying to mc the best I could. But quite frankly I was tired. I was beat like a egg white for a lemon meringue pie. Everything seemed to be bothering me and I hope that I was able to put on a face and not allow everyone to see. Anything that people said to me from disagreements with schedule to people telling me how things must be done made me feel less and less confident in myself and what I was doing. It even got to the point where, as I sat listening to a testimony that was being given, that I thought I should just get up after they were done and as politely as possible give the microphone over to my senior pastor and let him run the show. I felt inadequate and unprepared. I began to question again my place in the kingdom. Am I really called to be a pastor, a teacher, or a preacher? Do I really belong on a platform with these wonderful men of God who proclaim the message every Sunday? Or am I just seeking my own fortune and fame like so many other people seek theirs through business, entertainment or sports?
I have a master’s degree in theology. Yet I feel like an imbecile compared to other pastors with lesser education and former training. I search and seek and yearn for clarity and depth in my understanding of the ways of God. And when I hear someone speak or expond through true reason, I often times find myself encapsulated with thoughts of “I know this, but I didn’t think about it.” or “why can I not reason as they do.” I never hear a verse of scripture quoted without remembering it. Yet, in living my life, I seem to fail on a day to day basis. I constantly fall short and never seem to reach the pinnacle of either success or esteem that I long for in life. I fear that I am in some way like the magician Simon in Acts 8, whom Peter rebuked by saying, “I can see you a jealous man, and filled with evil ways.”
Yet in my soul and in my spirit, I yearn and plead that God’s power and might would be used in my life, not for my glory or my fame, but for His. All I really want, all I need is for God to be pleased with me. And while I am torn between being the “front man” and being behind the scenes, I ultimately feel that I must take the opportunities God gives me to and make the most of every situation to bring glory and honor to his name above all else, submitting myself to authority and leading when necessary.
The service went marvelously though, by God’s grace, and I thoroughly do want to publically thank Carmen and Josh Barber, Aaron Highsmith and Casey Underwood, as well as all the other workers who gave of their time and efforts to the outcome. Thank you Brian Varnadore for a wonderful tech crew that held everything together. But most importantly, thank you Christine, my wonderful and beautiful wife, because if it hadn’t been for you all your behind the scenes work and organization, this vbs would have never been the success it was. I love you!
